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Gangsta JackanoryTake it to the Bridge (Tyne Bridge, Bitches!!!!!!) October 04 'The Funny Thing About My Back Is That Its Located On My Cock...'
I had a nightmare hour today. At about 7pm I rang a taxi to take me and my fair lady to the cinema to see ‘Superbad’ and the taxi turned up late, meaning that we had to rush to get there. When we arrived outside the cinema, due to our rush we had no money to pay the driver, so we went to the two cash machines by the stadium. Neither of them worked. We then noticed there was a Cashlink inside the bar next to the cinema, so we went in there. £1.85 charge is what it would have been if I could get any money out, which annoyed me, but it had no cash either, so I was even more annoyed. Do they not refill these fucking machines!!! So, we had to explain to the driver we had no money to give him, and gave him a couple of quid that we had between us in change just for the trouble and apologised like slaves at his Asian feet. Then, we got inside the cinema and lo-and-behold, my card ‘couldn’t be accepted because it doesn’t have a signature on the back to compare with one I have to write on a receipt’. I offered to write one on, but the pen they gave me wouldn’t write on the card, as it was a ball-point pen. So, my girlfriend had to pay for everything, and I had to pay her back after we WALKED back into town from the cinema. Yes, my card works then, when there is no urgency. Anyway, the film was great, and that cheered me up as when the trailers were on I was steaming. ‘Superbad’ was actually brilliant, considering I was expecting it to be some pointless high-school comedy a la American Pie (a film I’ve never understood the fascination with, because it honestly is dire). The movie reminded me completely of my mid to late teens, when me and my mates would just have banter about lasses and talk about shagging everyone when we all knew that none of us were getting any. The script was spot on, proving that Seth Rogen (the main actor in Knocked Up) is not only a great comic actor, but an up-and-coming writer too. The great thing about the film is, Seth Rogen's character as one of the police officers isn't even one of the highlights. The stars of the show are Jonah Hill and Michael Cera. Michael Cera plays George Michael Bluth in one of my favourite shows, Arrested Development, and you can tell his humour has definitely been honed on that comedy. I always thought he had great comic timing for a young actor and he really excels in this, his first feature film (or at least first major part in a feature film). The trailer really didn't do the film much justice as it aimed for the 'American Pie' demographic, but I think that this film's audience pretty much appeals to anyone, whether they watch pointless teen movies or not. One thing is for sure, you can definitely tell that it has some input from people involved in 'Knocked Up', '40-Year Old Virgin' & 'Talladega Nights'. Consider this a recommendation. September 29 "So Old Skool that I live in an old school"
Everything is still bright at Chez de Adam’s Mind at the moment. My work is looking good as I’m rolling in money (comparatively) like a tunnock’s teacake in snowflakes during preparation. That has led me to start indulging in my old vices again. No, not asain porn and knives, but music and DVD. I stumbled across a gem of a music store in Huddersfield the other day. Wall Of Sound, near the train station, looked nice enough when I went in. It had a decent selection of underground music of all types along with the usual HMV material, but then I saw the stairs to the fire below. They had the word ‘Vinyl’ emblazoned above it, and that instantly gives a sad bastard like me a greasy. I walked down, expecting it to be a little cubby-hole with old AC/DC & Lynyrd Skynyrd LPs and the like, but it is f’in’ massive. Its like a factory of wax, and I felt like Gary Glitter at Brownies. Treats ahoy! I‘ve been pigging out on takeaways and fast food though, which is the bad side of having money - you get lazy and just think, ‘fuck it, I‘ll gan to the pizza shop again‘. Too many times I tell thee. But it‘s not the pizza shop, its Burger King. Those Angus Burgers man, they‘re crazy!
Just finished watching the first season of ‘Dexter’ which was recommended to me by fellow movie addict Jacksonian. I expected it to be fairly decent, because the plot itself is intriguing enough to make you try it (a serial killer that kills serial killers). But, one thing I was sceptical about - it had the guy who played a wimpy little puff funeral director on Six Feet Under. BUT, thing is, that guy is the absolute nuts on this one. Great actor, great show - get it watched. A show that I’ve always followed but somehow never been particularly taken by or impressed with is Prison Break. It was just like Heroes, a fairly well-made show with no substance to it that was decent enough to help you waste away the spare hours of your life. Again, imagine my surprise when I watch the first episode of Season Three and its actually brilliant. Its so much more hard-hitting, and doesn’t rely as much on the same pointless Hollywood flashy techniques just to keep people watching.. No glamour in this one - unless Theodore Bagwell takes your fancy, which for me, he does. What a legend. Anyhoo, Lawro The C**t keeps on cropping up, here’s his predictions, and here’s mine - no beating around the bush, I’m sick of introducing it: Man City vs. Newcastle This is going to be tough. I’m gutted because I promised myself I’d go to this match and it completely slipped my mind. I noticed it was this weekend and scrambled to the computer to buy any ticket for it I could find, but obviously, it was Sold. The Fuck. Out. Oh well, there’s always Wigan away (*grumble*). As I was saying though, this will be tough. City look dangerous this year, and if I remember rightly they have a clean slate at home still. That said, they haven’t met Obafemi and Mark yet. I’m very biased if you haven’t noticed, but Lawro said 1-1, and for once I agree. Score: 1-1 Chelsea vs. Fulham Not the formality people are expecting. I don’t believe in this ‘Chelsea are in pieces rubbish’. All they need is to get two or three wins on the trot, get the team chemistry up and who gives a f**k who Avram Grant is. With their squad they could put Kermit the Frog in charge and they should still be able to challenge for trophies. Mind you, as I said, Fulham are no pushover, and Chelsea will have to work for a win. Score: 1-0 Derby vs. Bolton Seeing my side get absolutely mugged at Pride Park last week, I no longer underestimate they’re chances to get results. They have as much chance to stay up as, say, Wigan or Reading do, and despite their results vs. top class opposition, they’ve been okay against everyone else. I think Derby will get a result here, and Little lizard faced Sammie Lee will have to settle for another draw. Score: 1-1 Portsmouth vs. Reading Very simple. Portsmouth = good team. Reading = shit team. Home win. Fuck off Coppell. Score: 3-1 Sunderland vs. Blackburn Blackburn, despite being a good team, are a bit lucky to be so high up at the moment. They’ve only lost one, and I think they’re due a humbling. The man with less brain cells than a dead newt will lead his team to a good but in the end pointless victory. Score: 2-1 West Ham vs. Arsenal Its logic, mate. Lawro says ‘we’ll see Arsenal first defeat of the season’. He’s an imbecile. Newcastle beat West Ham quite easily in the end last week, and West Ham look very spare on attacking threats Ashton aside (and he’s fat). Arsenal will maybe only come away with a draw, but if anyone is going to beat Arsenal, it won’t be a motley crue of fat sweaty c**ts who used to live in Newcastle. Score: 1-1 Wigan vs. Liverpool Maybe this whole rotation thing has gotten out of hand, because everyone is now saying its ruing Liverpool’s chances. Spish is it, Benitez has won them the Champions League with that strategy. The only thing that WILL damage them in regards to rotation is the lack of Fernando Torres. Simply put, I’ve ALWAYS said he’s one of the best strikers in the world. Put him on, if you can give him the ball in the box and defend as well as the ‘pool do, you will win. Simple as. If Torres plays, which he will, Liverpool will breeze past Titus Bramble’s minions. Score: 1-3 Birmingham vs. Man Utd I don’t care what anyone says about the league table. Man United shouldn’t be in the top four. They have scraped four wins in a row, and cheated their last one vs. Chelsea. I think that Birmingham really have a fighting chance to win this one. But ultimately the cheating scum will grab ONE goal and it will be another game where everyone knows Man Utd cheated and shouldn’t have won, but no-one can prove it. Score: 0-1 Everton vs. Boro I don’t really need to hype this up, because its massive. Fucking hell, I almost did a shit, the amount of sarcasm in that sentence was too intense. You can’t really predict this sort of game. Two equal teams (Toffees slightly better actually). I’ll go home win. Score: 3-1 Tottenham vs. Villa Two teams I hate that are both getting hyped up loads when they both look like showers of shit. Spurs will win this one, but only because its simple logistics. Spurs have great forwards, Villa have a defence led by, er… Martin Laursen. Its too easy, man. Score: 2-1 I think that this post NEEDS to be ended by hearing the story of the amazing lactating man in music form. Infinite Livez, superbly funny artist. "mate, you must be joking? I'm a lactating man, have a look, my shirt's soaking!"
September 27 'Maserati 3200, Talk To Me'
‘Mooch is the man with all the style I shag babies up the arse cos I’m a paedophile’ A lyric from the Room 5 Unit classic ‘The Room 5 Unit’ (written by yours truly). Those were the days. Me and my group of mates, all about 15 years old, hanging about St. Thomas More School in the middle of the night performing nonsensical skits and made up shows. If I don’t get the ‘master tape’ that is rightfully mine back the next time I’m in Durham heads will roll. I really want to upload the whole tape onto my computer and just play them on an infinite loop to remind me of the good old days. Not to mention the one time we were all hanging about the school in pitch black playing blocky of all things and all of us being kitted out in black, and quite logically to be fair, someone called the police on us, thinking we were burglars. Why we would target a small junior school is beyond me, but the end result was about 12 of us being lined up at midnight by the school reception, being questioned as to why we were dressed in black and trespassing on private property (yeah, cos a fucking public school is private property…honestly, bloody stupid police), being cautioned and being sniffed by a police dog to see whether any of us were away with the fairies. All in all a good night, and one I remember with great fondness. Especially when Jacko kept on whispering that he could outrun the police dog, not realising at the time that that would make him look guilty of something that everyone was clueless about. Good times. Anyway, after that short period of reminiscing, its time to take a look at the results of the Lawro The C**t challenge. We’ll skip the whole, Arsenal Under 15s beating Newcastle United story all together I think… Actual Results Arsenal vs. Derby 5-0 Fulham vs. Man City 3-3 Liverpool vs. Birmingham 0-0 Boro vs. Sunderland 2-2 Reading vs. Wigan 2-1 A Villa vs. Everton 2-0 Blackburn vs. Portsmouth 0-1 Bolton vs. Tottenham 1-1 Newcastle vs. West Ham 3-1 Manure vs. Chelski 2-0
Lawro The C**t Arsenal vs. Derby 2-0 (correct, 1pt) Fulham vs. Man City 1-1 (correct, 1pt) Liverpool vs. Birmingham 2-0 (wrong, 0pts) Boro vs. Sunderland 2-1(wrong, 0pts) Reading vs. Wigan 2-1 (spot on, 2pts) A Villa vs. Everton 1-1(wrong, 0pts) Blackburn vs. Portsmouth 2-0 (wrong, 0pts) Bolton vs. Tottenham 0-2 (wrong, 0pts) Newcastle vs. West Ham 2-0 (correct, 1pt) Manure vs. Chelski 0-0 (wrong, 0pts) Total: 5 points Gangsta Jackanory Arsenal vs. Derby 3-0 (correct, 1pt) Fulham vs. Man City 2-2 (correct, 1pt) Liverpool vs. Birmingham 2-0 (wrong, 0pts) Boro vs. Sunderland 2-1(wrong, 0pts) Reading vs. Wigan 1-0 (correct, 1pt) A Villa vs. Everton 1-2 (wrong, 0pts) Blackburn vs. Portsmouth 3-1(wrong, 0pts) Bolton vs. Tottenham 2-1(wrong, 0pts) Newcastle vs. West Ham 2-1 (correct, 1pts) Manure vs. Chelski 0-0 (wrong, 0pts) Total: 4 points The dirty bastard won. I think that makes it 2-2. I really should know but to be honest I’m losing track of this thing already. Oh well, let’s cheer ourselves up with a little bit of Flight Of The Conchords: September 22 Tommy Fell Asleep In The Living Room Last NightThings are looking up for World Adam at the moment, as money is starting to roll in, bills are nearly all paid off and fun is to be had. University starts without me for the first time in three years (or four…) and this in no way upsets me. In fact, I get to use the same University facilities as before without the added stress of having to do a Conversation Analysis essay for the next day.
As everyone in my group of friends in Huddersfield who are present at the moment seem to be enjoying their times and no-one seems to be struggling to pay their way as much as we all did when we were students, I hope to be living it up a bit more in the latter stages of this calendar year. Already, a Foo Fighters (with Serj Tankian support no less) gig has been lined up by my good friend Mink, and hopefully many more will be to come.
Also, at Northern Author there are things happening because I have managed to enlist a contributor of sorts to help me school clowns on the true art of hip-hop music. He doesn’t write, but he certainly helps in the writing process. So, I look forward to doing a few more blog posts on a regular basis over there and on here in the coming few months.
On a complete tangent to what has gone before, I found a great video of Travis Barker performing the drums to his new remix of a hip-hop track. I never liked Blink 182 (hated them actually, too much schmaltz), and so far I’m not too keen on +44, his new group, but as an aspiring drummer, or at least a man who enjoys playing the drums, I really do admire the guy’s skills with the sticks. The video shows pretty well the dexterity and intricacy required to be a truly great drummer, which is something people don’t know about, as they assume it’s a fairly straight forward thing to play. The song itself isn’t exactly great, but as a performance video it works really well and I will probably be copying it at some point to help me develop my own stick-skills.
Another week, another chance to show how inept and stupid Mark Lawrenson is, and why he should never be considered a football ‘expert’ (or even someone who knows what football is, for that matter). To see that plank’s idea’s on this weekend’s fixture list go here. Mine follow below. Speaking of this week’s fixtures, what’s wrong with just having 9 games on a Saturday and 1 on a Sunday? They could still have one early and one late kick-off for their Sky Sports money and then all football fans would be happy that they get a proper footy weekend. If there’s one thing envy about teams outside of the Premiership its that they get to have a proper footy weekend, every weekend, with all games being played on Saturday with few exceptions.
This Week’s Predictions:
Arsenal vs. Derby
Yes, I’m still bitter over that dreadful 1-0 loss to Derby. But no, this does not change their what their position will be come the end of the season - last. Arsenal will re-assert this prediction by absolutely roasting them.
Score: 3-0
Fulham vs. Man City
Its hard to say Fulham will beat a great Man City side at the moment, but I always think Fulham are tougher than everyone thinks. More than most other teams, they have been able to pull off upsets but still no-one takes them seriously. Lawrenson for once had a similar thought and went for a 1-1 draw. To be different I’ll go one better.
Score : 2-2
Liverpool v Birmingham
Only 5 weeks into the new season and I’ve already forgotten Birmingham are in the Premiership. Whats the point of them being there? All they’re doing is filling up a slot that a team with genuine skill and determination to stay up could fill. Birmingham to lose this comfortably.
Score: 2-0
Boro vs. Sunderland
A North-East derby of sorts, even though no-one in the North East actually considers Boro a derby, as they’re nearer to York than us anyway. Either team could win this, as Sunderland look fairly decent at times and garbage at others. Boro have managed to cope pretty well with losing basically their only two great players in Viduka & Yakubu, and I think they will expect, and get, a close fought win today.
Score: 2-1
Reading vs. Wigan
Reading have really looked poor this year (*smug face* I predicted it) while Wigan have been a bit of a surprise package. Reading really need to win games like this one or else they will be staring down the barrel waiting to die a Premiership death very soon. Reading to get the result by a cat’s whisker.
Score: 1-0
A Villa vs. Everton
I don’t buy all of this ‘Villa for Europe’ rubbish. They’re still a drab team with only one star player in Gareth Barry and a defence that is, frankly, laughable. Everton for an away win. Honestly. Feed the Yak and he will ALWAYS score.
Score: 1-2
Blackburn vs. Portsmouth
I was really surprised when Blackburn lost midweek to an insignificant Greek team, because they’ve been very impressive so far this year. In fact, they’re one of only three teams to still be without a loss - the other two being Arsenal and Liverpool. Portsmouth do look better up front compared to last year but Harry Redknapp is one of those well-respected managers who is destined to never win anything in his career. Great manager, good team, no points here. Blackburn will let the Gamst free and he will feed the strikers like a stainless steel spoon.
Score: 3-1
Bolton vs. Tottenham
Spurs have had a dismal start, and I think its hilarious. Bolton have had an equally dismal start, but I don’t despise them as much. For some reason its hard to hate a team when your team stole their only good point and subjected them to have to be manager by a watervole. So for, sympathy alone, I will back Bolton on this one.
Score:2-1
Man Utd vs. Chelsea
Boooooriing. Does anyone care about these matches anymore? They don’t affect the league at all. They should just declare them all 0-0 draws and call it a day. Plus, the only thing, apart from Solomon Kalou, that I actually liked about Chelsea has gone. At least Mourinho made the dull title races a little more interesting by berating the man I’d most like to stab, Alex Ferguson (note the lack of ‘Sir’, he doesn’t fucking deserve it).
Score: no score. Ever. 0-0
Newcastle vs. West Haaaaam
No attempt at being fair here. I hate the Spammers, and I hope we bounce back and cane them. But I know we won’t. It’ll be a tough match, as it always is when we face them, but they’re without most of their Newcastle rejects, and we’re pretty much at full strength except for a few long-term absences (Emre, Luque, Duff, etc). Allardyce will have hopefully lit a firecracker up the arses of all the players who took part in Monday’s crap performance, so we should be up for a win.
Score: 2-1.
September 17 'Eat Your Vegetables'Just got back from the cinema, and the viewing of ‘Shoot ‘Em Up’ a stylish action film with Clive Owen. I was hoping it would be a high-octane affair, and I wasn’t disappointed. The film literally never stopped in terms of action all the way up to the last moment. In fact, the death toll is probably bigger on this film than any other film I’ve watched (including Kill Bill).
I love films like this one because you can watch them again and again as they never get old. Its short, exciting, entertaining and doesn’t waste time building up any lame story or building up to a finale. The whole film is one big finale.
Clive Owen is becoming somewhat of a ‘man of the moment’ in cinema at the moment, as the last four or five films he has been in that I’ve seen have been absolutely superb: Inside Man, Children Of Men, Sin City, Derailed. All great films. And he’s had more aswell. Owen is fast becoming one of those actors that when you see their face or name in a film, before you even hear the plot or trailer, make you say ‘I bet that’s going to be good’.
Paul Giamatti has moved up from being just a supporting actor to a legitimate character player in film these days. He is undoubtedly a great asset to any film he’s in, and plays his role as the bad guy in this one superbly. It showed his diversity and talent couldn’t be denied.
And Monica Belluci, well, lets just say that she’s still one of the most beautiful women on the planet or that have ever existed in the history of the world. She’s not a bad actress either.
Either way, the film is great fun and the action set-pieces, despite being a little far-fetched (which is part of the fun, and makes it more entertaining), were simply incredible to watch. The film clocked in at just under 90 minutes, which is very underrated. I remember the days when nearly all films were about an hour and a half long, and it isn’t a coincidence that more classics were made in that 80s/90s era. Now people make long films just for the sake of being long, or pretending to be ’epic’. This film had no delusions of grandeur, and did exactly what it was supposed to. Be jam-packed full of excitement and action.
So, I missed this weekend’s round-up for the Lawro The C**t Challenge, but whats a week eh? Anyway, here’s the belated results from round 4, and now that my internet and my life are both back on track things should be back to normal. Round 4 Actual Results Bolton vs. Everton 1-2 Fulham vs. Tottenham 3-3 Liverpool vs. Derby 6-0 Middlesbrough vs. Birmingham 2-0 Newcastle vs. Wigan 1-0 Reading vs. West Ham 0-3 Man Utd vs. Sunderland 1-0 Arsenal vs. Portsmouth 3-1 Blackburn vs. Man City 1-0 Aston Villa vs. Chelsea 2-0 Lawro The C**t Results Bolton vs. Everton 1-1(wrong, 0pts) Fulham vs. Tottenham 1-2 (wrong, 0pts) Liverpool vs. Derby 3-0 (correct, 1pt) Middlesbrough vs. Birmingham 2-1 (correct, 1pt) Newcastle vs. Wigan 2-0 (correct, 1pt) Reading vs. West Ham 1-1 (wrong, 0pts) Man Utd vs. Sunderland 2-0 (correct, 1pt) Arsenal vs. Portsmouth 2-0 (correct, 1pt) Blackburn vs. Man City 2-1 (correct, 1pt) Aston Villa vs. Chelsea 1-2 (wrong, 0pts) Total: 6 points My Results Bolton vs. Everton 2-1(wrong, 0pts) Fulham vs. Tottenham 1-1 (correct, 1pt) Liverpool vs. Derby 5-1 (correct, 1pt) Middlesbrough vs. Birmingham 2-1 (correct, 1pt) Newcastle vs. Wigan 2-1 (correct, 1pt) Reading vs. West Ham 0-0 (wrong, 0pts) Man Utd vs. Sunderland 3-1 (correct, 1pt) Arsenal vs. Portsmouth 2-1 (correct, 1pt) Blackburn vs. Man City 1-1 (wrong, 0pts) Aston Villa vs. Chelsea 1-1 (wrong, 0pts) Total: 6 points So, we call that one a draw, so its now 2 and a half to 1 and a half. Things are getting tasty, like a 13 year old girl who you know is going to blossom into a well hot woman. I wish I did do this week, because I have so far got nearly all of the results right. Its funny, because Tottenham lost at home to their biggest rivals, which must be so humiliating (never happens for us of course, because our main rivals are hardly Arsenal) and Martin Jol is surely sh*tting his pants right now. I do think he’s a great manager and they wouldn’t be in the position they’re in without him (in fact, they probably wouldn’t even be in the top half), but still, for Spurs to have the forward line they have and be playing so badly means someone is not doing their job properly. And as we know, in football, heads will roll. Manchester United won by a dodgy goal in the closing minutes again. They just look so mediocre. As a Newcastle fan I’m not scared AT ALL of any of the big teams other than maybe Liverpool, who look like a class act. Arsenal may be top, but as I’ve said in the past, physically they’re such a weak team that its not too hard to stop them from scoring. In the past three or four years we’ve had a lot of good results against them too. Chelsea just lost to Aston Villa and drew with Blackburn, and they aren’t scoring very well. If Villa can beat them, anyone can, because Villa are a shower of shit. And Manchester United just look like they’re struggling. Their new players haven’t settled in AT ALL. Ronaldo looks like a shadow of the man (or girl) he was last season, and Rooney, despite being replaced with 40 millions worth of new strikers, looks sorely missed. The only positive they can have right now is that even when they’re playing poorly they’re still winning. Anyway, the only match left in this week’s round up is my beloved Newcastle versus the league’s new whipping boys Derby. They’re already -12 on goal difference after only 5 games, so I hope our quality frontline (especially now Owen looks like his former self) can put the swords to them. I hate it, because every time I expect a win from the Toon we don’t get it, so I’m bracing myself for a tougher game than is predicted. Still, it should be an away win. September 13 Here's Johnny!I’m Back! Finally my internet decided to work again, and now I’m able to continue this lovely relationship I have with whoever bothers to read this shit. I’m egotistical, so I know of at least one person who enjoys reading it…
Anyway, first things first, England have had a great week in sport for the most part. We have pulled off a great feat in beating both Israel and Russia 3-0 and that has eased the collective minds of all of the English public (as well as probably given McLaren some breathing space). For me, I’m happy Owen has started scoring because that is good news for Newcastle, but on a bigger note, England are all but there for qualification now. They really need to get a point away in Russia and then beat the poor team we still are yet to play the second time (either Andorra or Estonia, can’t remember), and then a result versus Croatia of any kind pretty much seals it for us. It has been a struggle, but with these two wins and the tremendous performances of new players such as Micah Richards and Gareth Barry, and the resurgence of Shaun Wright-Philips, Michael Owen and Emile Heskey gives us all some great things to look forward to. Lets not go overboard, we shouldn’t have been in this situation in the first place, but hey, I’m not complaining anymore if Lampard is not on the team and we’re winning 3-0. That’s like heaven for me.
Scotland pulled off an even better win with an apparent stonker from Evertonian twat James McFadden to beat big guns France. France seem to have the same problem as England these days - EGO. it’s the only thing holding us, France and Spain back. Spain and England especially could be the two best teams in the world but because the big stars get their egos massaged so much they play dire in the games. Now tell me that the appearance of Richards and Heskey hasn’t helped the team. It definitely has, and it has caused more competition as players like Rooney, Lampard and Gerrard who are great players but crap for England are now no longer shoe-ins for their positions.
Things really are looking better now.
Speaking of getting better, I’m feeling very ‘free’ and untied at the moment. Now I’ve finished Uni and don’t feel the need to be worrying about a career option I’m very happy and I’m glad I’ve done what I’m doing.
It’s the start of a new era. The last remnants of my university life turned to dust in the last fortnight when I finally got my act together and got a job. After several weeks of attempting to motivate myself to even TRY to get a vocation but not even getting that far I’ve landed a job as a griller at the brilliant restaurant Nando’s.
Obviously, it’s a chain-restaurant so I assume 100% of you know of it, and if you don’t then, well, you’re just a tard. Anyways, to cut a long story short I’m really enjoying it and can see myself working there for a short while.
I have no problem working in a place such as a restaurant. To have a job as basically a glorified chef/cook after taking an English Language and Journalism degree may not seem altogether logical, but if there’s one thing I learnt from my time at university it is that I no longer want to do what I wanted before I went. Being a pencil-pusher or an office clerk would just bore me. Working at a newspaper would bore me to death. I wouldn’t wish journalism on anyone, it’s a career for people too lazy to get a proper job really.
I’m not an ambitiously career-minded person, and although it may disappoint my parents to hear it, I’m not bothered at all about being rich. I just want to have my little space on earth, affect a few people’s lives for the good and have fun. I want to have a family of my own in the future and have THAT as my accomplishment.
Now, the next step is to get a driving licence so I can go back to Durham whenever I like and see my old mates, but until then, I’m chilling like champagne on ice in Huddersfield, West Yorkshire.
A belated Lawro The Cunt challenge results round-up will feature in the next day or so along with the weekend’s predictions for the next round, so I suppose you can say this blog is back up and running fully again!
September 01 A Week in the Head of my Life (plus Lawro The C**t Challenge Round 4)Its took me longer than I’d have thought to recover from sleeping rough at Leeds Festival, and this is the reason why its took a while for things to get back to the norm here at the Jackanory. So this post is going to be longer than Geremi’s cock (apparently he can wrap it round a coke can - not my words, but an ex-housemate’s).
Let’s start with last weekend, and the 2-2 result for Newcastle United against Middlesbrough. My knee-jerk reaction to this was ‘bugger, we didn’t win’ because I think everyone gets a little embarrassed if they don’t take all three points against a team like Boro. But on closer inspection, an away result in the Premiership against a mid-table club when we’re missing our best goalkeeper and some big names such as Joey Barton, Emre, Damien Duff and the like, is actually not that bad. One niggling issue about that game though: How sensitive is the media these days??? I mean really, they went off it and branded the Newcastle away fans as thugs when they heard them chant ‘Mido is a Paedo’ and ‘Look out, Mido has a bomb’. Let me run through these two chants, both of which a very funny. ‘Mido is a Paedo’ - Despite its face value, it ISN’T ACTUALLY SAYING MIDO FUCKS KIDS. It is simply funny because Mido rhymes with Paedo, which is great because Mido is the opposition, therefore the enemy, and Paedo is an insult, Honestly, I can’t believe people have got their knickers in a twist over this one. ‘Look out, Mido has a bomb’ - Ok, maybe a bit less tasteful, but one of the main draws of football isn’t your own team winning. Oh no, despite what some people would tell you this is not the case. The best moments for most football fans come when they see their biggest enemies crash and burn, and when they get to take the piss out of their rivals or look down upon them. This, incidentally, is one of the main reasons why Newcastle fans like me are usually very jovial and arrogant about our team. Its because no matter how bad we play, in my entire lifetime I have always been able to say ‘Well at least we’re better than Sunderland’. Its all to do with ammunition. Mido is Egyptian, translated, the Middle-East. They are the main culprits of terrorism and suicide bombers. A football fan’s job once in a ground is not only to support their team, but ridicule their opposition. You use whatever you can. You can’t tell me that fans haven’t went to Fulham and not commented on the untimely death of their chairmen’s son. Sung ‘Candle In The Wind’ maybe. I know it sounds harsh, but its called taking the piss. People do it in everyday life to people they don’t like. Its no different in a football ground. Its called One-Upmanship. Get over it.
Right now that one is out of the way, let’s go to the awful event that happened in football. Sevilla wing-back Antonio Puerta died during their La Liga match last week, suffering two successive heart-attacks. Its always strange when things like this happen because footballers are perceived to be the healthiest of people, and when they pass away at such a young age of natural causes it surprises many. I remember when Marc Vivien-Foe collapsed on the pitch and never woke up, and at the time I didn’t really understand it. I still don’t, as the condition known as ‘Sudden Death Syndrome’ seems like a copout to me, as there’s no way to diagnose it other than the fact that the doctors don’t have any other explanation. It has been rather a bad week for football in these cases, as Clive Clarke, former Mackem and current Leicester player was took to hospital in critical condition after their Carling Cup match with Nottingham Forest. Luckily, the defender looks like he’ll be okay, but its another example of the unexpected happening.
(oh, the irony of Lee Bowyer consoling Dyer) One injury that wasn’t unexpected was the broken leg of Kieron Dyer. I wasn’t at all surprised when this happened, as he has been injured for at least 50% of his time at Newcastle, with things such as shin splints, poking himself in the eye with a training stick, all sorts of broken limbs, beheading, tuberculosis….you name it, Kieron has had it. In fact, due to my resentment for the waste of talent that is Kieron Dyer, I must admit I did smile when I heard he broke his leg. And, no, I don’t feel ashamed. Speaking of the Carling Cup, another result that brought a smile to my face was the 3-0 drubbing of PREMIERSHIP Sunderland by LEAGUE ONE CLUB Luton Town. Oh the hilarity. And that Greg Halford has turned out well hasn’t he? Contributing nothing but a red card so far. Awesome stuff. Still on the competition formerly known as the Milk Cup, Coca-Cola Cup, Worthington Cup and the Ponden Mill Cup (next year people, you just wait), Newcastle United beat Barnsley 2-0. I was at the cinema watching ‘Knocked Up’ which was a brilliant crafted film with equal parts laughter and romance that towed the line of being not too soppy for the lads but not too gross-out for the lasses, while the match was on, and was worried what the score would be. I always fret when Newcastle play very weak opposition, because we are a team always ripe for an upset. We took almost 60 minutes to score versus Yeading in the FA Cup a couple of years back, we were took to a replay by Stevenage back in the late 90s , and more recently we made tougher work of Mansfield and Grimsby, only beating both teams by a measly one goal to nil (both scored by the legend Alan Shearer of course). However, we came through well and I haven’t managed to catch any highlights for it but from match reports we looked comfortable all match and never left first gear. Michael Owen got on the score sheet, which is nice, and Oba added to his potentially massive tally. Big news that happened earlier tonight however, has shook me to the core. NOLBERTO SOLANO HAS GONE TO WEST HAM UNITED. Yes, he’s left a massive North-East club going into a new era with sky-high prospects, and gone to a London pub team owned by a former biscuit factory owner.
I don’t think I can express in words how much I admired Nolberto Solano as a footballer. He, more than any other player, has shown so much commitment to Newcastle, and he had a brilliant season last year, even sacrificing a midfield role to play at left back. Nobby would do anything for our club, and even at the ripe old age of 33 I thought he’d be able to provide good back-up and guidance for the younger players. I’m truly gutted he’s left, and despite my hatred for all London clubs (I actually don’t mind Arsenal), I truly do wish him luck at his new club. All the best Nobby, come back to the North-East whenever you fancy, come to Belmont and I’ll rustle you up a fajita or whatever Peruvians love, and we’ll watch Coronation Street together (man, that image gives me a semi-on).
Right, onto the Lawro The Cunt predictions round 4. I missed last week as I was too busy preparing for Leeds Festival so we’re just calling that week null and void. As always, for that dickhead’s predictions go here. Now for mine: Bolton vs. Everton He’s plummed for a draw, and this match does have draw written all over it, but I think that with Anelka signing a new contract amid speculation of him leaving and with Bolton getting their first win under their belts in spectacular fashion last week will spur them on to win again, but by a single goal due to Everton’s stubborn defence. Prediction: 2-1 Fulham vs. Tottenham Again, Spurs are in a tough situation. Its difficult to see why Martin Jol has been scapegoat as they’ve only played four games, with only the loss against Sunderland being a true upset. This is another tricky game for them, because Fulham, to my surprise actually look better this year than they did last year. Fulham have been unlucky so far, but I think they will be more than happy with a home draw here. Unlike Spurs, who obviously have shit for brains and will sack Jol at the full-time whistle. Prediction: 1-1 Liverpool vs. Derby I watched Liverpool midweek against Toulouse, and they walked a 4-0 win without a weakened side and without any effort at all. Derby aren’t even half the team that Toulouse are never mind Liverpool and I truly think this might be pure annihilation. Prediction: 5-1 Middlesbrough vs. Birmingham Middlesbrough have been picking up some decent results here and there at the start and look like they will plod along doing their thing as usual. I think Mido will get another goal, and the Smoggies another win. Prediction: 2-1 Newcastle vs. Wigan Well, this is a match Newcastle should walk, but I have a feeling that we won’t. I think this will be a tense encounter with the Toon coming away with three points by a slim margin. You know Sibierski or Bramble are going to play well here, its just obvious. Maybe Michael Owen to get his first Premiership goal this season? I’m not getting my hopes up. Prediction: 2-1 Reading vs. West Ham Zzzzzzzzzz, Zzzzzzzzzz. Sorry, I saw the fixture and nodded off for a second there. Either that or Steve Coppell opened his mouth again. Draw all over. Prediction: 0-0 Man Utd vs. Sunderland I think the Roy Keane factor WILL come into play here, but the sheer power of Manchester United will win through in the end. I think Sunderland may take an early lead but United will come out fighting in the second half and get all three points. Prediction: 3-1 Arsenal vs. Portsmouth Portsmouth have signed a lot of good players this season, and last year they got a result at the Emirates so this will be tough for the Gooners. But, its really hard to ever bet against Arsenal at home with the amount of raw talent they have in their team. Prediction: 2-1 Blackburn vs. Man City Another tough one to call, as Man City have been phenomenal so far, with Sven proving the ignorant critics wrong from the off. Blackburn were frankly awful midweek, and I had to turn it off after David Bentley’s goal because I felt like I was watching a Conference match for no reason. Man City will nick a draw here. Prediction: 1-1 Aston Villa vs. Chelsea I just can’t ever back Aston Villa. I don’t see any talent or appeal in their whole club. I don’t even understand how they manage to stay up every year to be honest. But, they manage well enough and may surprise the media with a well earned score draw here. I know, I’m mental. Prediction: 1-1 Oh, and Brian won Big Brother. Now we can get back to real life again. Well, after X-Factor anyway, which I'm sure my girlfriend will have on everyweekend and I'll inevitably be drawn to again. Tsk Tsk Adam.
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